I sit here in the hallways of the church right in the middle of the CAFO conference (the largest orphancare conference in the world), overflowing with about 2000 attendees. We have been listening to a multitude of stories, inspiring stories – a few were easy, but most were hard, hard stories. And, as I have heard them over and over, the past two days, I have felt every possible emotion wash over me! They were bruising me, opening wounds and leaving me feeling raw and vulnerable. I had come so far in my healing journey that I hated where I was today…..it was uncomfortable and painful. So, I decided to sit alone, away from my family and spend a few moments meditating on God’s Word and praying. Soon after I felt the urge to pen a few of the myriad of thoughts and emotions overwhelming me and breaking me down…
Often times, for me as an adoptee, hope seems so far gone, peace seems so unrecognizable, and love seems so hard to both give and receive. Though hope may be visible on the furthermost horizon, from where I stand, it seems impossible to reach amidst the daily stresses and struggles of my life – my inner turmoil, my discouragement, my failures, my sadness. They encourage me to turn repeatedly to thoughts too damaging for my own good. Life is not normal, it screams.
Though my desire to laugh, love, learn and belong “normal” is so strong – yet, often my will to get to that point feels so small. More times than not, I want the results but not the hard work, the final goal but not the mini-failures to get there as it feels too overwhelming, too hard, too painful!
Truth is that I have been told so often that I am loved, and worthy of so much more – that God offers me freedom and abundant life….but it feels like in this life, actions speak louder than words. The only action that I am constantly reminded of, which plays on repeat in the recesses of my mind is the fact that I was left behind! That I was ABANDONED. And I was ORPHANED. My heart reminds me that there was a point in time when I was not wanted (though my head says untrue)! I know the loss will always be there, but I hope against hope that the pain will eventually subside.
I find being an ex-orphan, that is being a child with no mother or father previously, for any amount of time at all means that the loss hurts a million times over. The pain of being, just being – is sometimes too hard to bear. I find my self imagining being a part of a family from birth…..just as theirs, and theirs and theirs….with the world not labeling me as adopted. Though my adoptive parents have loved me unconditionally and have always treated me as their own beloved child, the world around me, even family and friends, and society at large, often remind me that I am different, that I am adopted through their vocal or silent judgements. It hurts!
While adoption is a beautiful picture, a physical representation of what God has done for us eternally, it reveals the dark side of the sinfulness of man. It shows, no screams, the impact of one person’s actions and it’s effects on many generations to come. I hate that…
I just want a break, I so desire to belong to a family,to just belong to them with no stereotypes. I desire peace for just one moment. All I want is to tune everything out and to just breathe. I want these bones to sing and I want to come alive. But the reality of life drags me down, no matter what.
Yes, JESUS is all I need, but to thrive with Jesus is to give and sacrifice, but sacrifice takes all I’ve got, it is a dying to self, it’s a complete surrender, it is trust in this God who has made many promises in His Word! But, I am not ready to give up the control as I am afraid of being let down, of being let go, of being abandoned again….How can I trust that He will not leave me or forsake me? But my heart still cries out in the midst of all this chaos with a deep desire to surrender all for I know that is where I will find hope and rest!
So, Lord, use me, break me, mold me, change me. I am so tired of doing this myself, my way, with my control of life….I really need YOU. So, no matter how my head questions everything, my heart says have faith and I am all in! I choose to trust You alone and let my actions be an act of worship of You, for YOUR glory. So do whatever you have to, because my desire to be Yours outweighs my desire to be in control and comfortable. Make me uncomfortable, use me. I don’t understand it and I still hurt from the loss and pain but I want to be YOURS ALONE! Please pour Your love on me Lord and give me true peace, Your peace in the middle of my storm!